fairy tale number 8: if we don't have a date for valentine's day, we're unworthy and pathetic.

the truth is, ninety-nine percent of the population is miserable on valentine's day. hell, the holiday commemorates a massacre. shouldn't that tell us something? come february 14, the singles feel wretched and excluded, and the couples feel under enormous pressure to live up to some fatuous romantic fantasy cooked up by hallmark: show me the flowers. cough up the jewelry. load me up on prozac and take me out to dinner. every relationship is thrown into a kiln for twenty-four hours, where it's forced to withstand pressure and heat.

personally, i think we should revert the holiday back to its pagan roots. long before the catholic church turned it into a tribute to a beheaded christian, valentine's day was apparently a pagan fertility rite, sort of like a racy version of spin-the-bottle. in the fourth century b.c., young men drew the names of eligible young women randomly from a box. whomever they picked became their companion for "mutual entertainment and pleasure" until the next year's lottery.

while i'm not suggesting that we raffle of single women to adolescent boys - or anybody to anybody - surely some sort of inclusive chocolate bacchanalia has got to be better than the current incarnation of the holiday. because, first of all, who besides sixteen-year-old prom queens really has fun on valentine's day? and, second of all, do lovers really need a holiday? when you're in love, every day is potentially february 14. i say we let valentine's day be a day when the lovelorn get their share of the goodies and attention, when we celebrate with the celibate, dine with the divorced, and send sweets to the soloists and the starry-eyed alike. make it a day when everyone gets to feel loved! but until this happens, i say we should all just eat a couple of heart-shaped chocolates and go to bed early.