i am xenu.

okay, this is just too good not to be blogged about. so this whole scientology thing has been bugging me a little so i wanted to try to find out what it was all about. first, i went the scientology.org website and just got so bored with their fluffy bullshit. i did learn about thetans and about how we don't have spirits; rather we are spirits who have bodies. anyway, it's all really very boring. i just wanted to know about the aliens.

so i found xenu.com which is a website devoted to fighting against the church of scientology and boy do they have lots of interesting info (okay, so i realize i'm biased, but whatever). my absolute favorite part of the whole website is this essay by bob minton that describes the core belief of scientology. however, you can only learn about this once you've reached the level of OT III (OT = operating thetan). reading this information beforehand may cause you to become ill (specifically, you would get pneumonia) and possibly die. i'm not being sarcastic, this is what they actually believe.

so, okay, here goes: so 75 million years ago, there was an evil galactic overlord named xenu. he was responsible for all 76 planets in this sector of the galaxy, including earth (formerly known as teegeeack). all of his planets were overpopulated so he came up with a plan to freeze all these aliens and then dump them on earth - sorry, teegeeack - and trap them there. these alien spirits were then taken to huge multiplex cinemas that xenu had built beforehand and were forced to watch 3-d movies in which they were all implanted with a false reality (the reality that we know today). these movies also helped control all the alien spirits so that they wouldn't cause trouble for xenu again. during these films, many false pictures and stories were implanted into these spirits, which resulted in the spirits believing in all the things that control mankind on earth today, including religion. so, today on earth, all of these alien spirits have attached themselves to our bodies and are the root cause of the false reality that everyone except for the top level scientologists experiences. it is the job of all scientologists to remove this false reality from the world by auditing each and every space alien spirit and human on earth. and what about xenu, you ask? well, the loyal officers of the marcab confederation finally discovered how evil Xenu was and overthrew him. he is now locked away in a mountain on one of the planets and kept in by a force-field powered by an eternal battery.

all right, so did you get all that? i swear to you all that i did not make that up. go here to see a copy of l. ron hubbard's first page of this historic work (in his own handwriting!). and if you think it sounds like a really bad sci-fi novel, well, think about who it came from - l. ron hubbard, who is, in fact, a really bad sci-fi novelist. plus, brooke shields recently responded to tom cruise's criticism of her use of paxil to treat her depression. i don't think she's a particularly good actress but i love her so much for saying, and i quote, "tom cruise's comments are irresponsible and dangerous. tom should stick to saving the world from aliens and let women who are experiencing postpartum depression decide what treatment options are best for them." at first, i thought she was referring to war of the worlds with the aliens comment but now i'm pretty sure that she's talking about both his new movie and his so-called religion. and that makes me love her. and now i regret not taking a picture of the scientology celebrity centre that we walked right by in new york. even better, i should've taken a picture with an alien mask on while holding up a sign reading, "i am xenu."

so, anyway, there you have it. you've gotta read the essay to get better details about how xenu froze the aliens and how he actually did a tax audit on all of his planets and what his spaceships look like. oh, plus, they calculated that each person on earth has approximately 2,200 alien spirits stuck to them (which, of course, causes you to be constrained by xenu's false reality). i think my favorite part is how xenu built movie theaters to brainwash all the alien spirits. awesome. i'm so glad i googled scientology. all of this makes me look at people like john travolta, tom cruise, kelly preston, and lisa marie presley just a little differently. especially tom cruise. i can't take his anti-psychology statements seriously now knowing that he believes in xenu, the galactic overlord. i mean, there's nothing wrong with believing in aliens (i'd like to believe we're not alone in the galaxy), but this whole story about frozen alien spirits and whatnot is just a little much, no?

oh, and sorry to any of you who get pneumonia and die from reading this blog.