darrell hammond, the crimes of fashion, and a blank expression.

so i'm watching a video clip of an interview between chris matthews (hardball) and donald trump and when it goes to split screen, all i can see is darrell hammond's chris matthews impression interviewing darrell hammond's donald trump impression. and it really is quite amusing. "moo-hoo-hoo-hoo." (that still makes me laugh when i think about it.) and why does it sound like chris matthews is always yelling? maybe he has that voice modulation problem that will ferrell had. not will ferrell himself, but that guy he played. what's-his-face.

there are some fashion trends running rampant right now that irk me. the biggest one being ugg boots. they're so damn ugly. you can't spell ugly without ugg. okay, minus the second g. actually, you know what? maybe we should start spelling uggly with two g's now until people get the message and stop wearing ugg boots. and uggs with miniskirts? double blech. ugg boots were popular for about FIVE seconds and that was about it.

number two - pointy toed heels. why, oh why, are they still popular? they look painful, FEEL painful, and just look absolutely hideous. i would not be caught dead wearing them. in fact, given the choice between the uggs and the pointy toed, i would pick the uggs (after screaming in defiance at being forced to make a choice between the two uggliest types of shoes ever) because at least my feet wouldn't be disfigured from all the scrunching. the only useful purpose that i can see for wearing pointy toed heels is that if you're ever in a fight, your shoes can double for a switchblade and you can stab people with your toe. imagine kicking a guy in the balls with a pointy toe. OOOOOH....BARRACUDA!

and number three - broaches. BROACHES?! old, rich, wrinkled, country club women wear broaches. making them smaller and "cuter" doesn't make them hip. they're still broaches. there's no point to a broach other than as an uggly piece of crap that people will not be able to take their eyes off of when they talk to you. no one will listen to what you say because they'll be gawking at this god awful piece of doody (okay, shiny doody) and be wondering to themselves "why is she wearing a broach?!" if you wear a broach, i swear, your skin will suddenly become saggy and wrinkly and you'll age fifty years like THAT. your speech will become pretentious and you'll start wearing hats with flowers on them and pantsuits and invite all your friends over for bridge.

new topic: so i think i need to work on a new blank expression. apparently, my current blank expression scares people and makes them think that i'm pissed off. i can't tell you how many times i've just been sitting or standing around minding my own business, probably spacing off and thinking about what i'm going to eat or wear or buy, when someone will come up to me and say, "are you okay? why are you so mad?" excuse me, what? i'm not mad. i'm just standing here. thinking. "oh. really? you looked really pissed off. are you sure you're not mad?" um, yes. i'm not mad. usually, i've been able to laugh these off, but since it happened again recently, it's made me realize a few things. 1) maybe this is why i never got asked out. guys always thought i was mad at something and were too afraid to approach me. oh no, can't go up to the short little asian girl. she looks MAD. 2) this needs to stop because i'm starting to get annoyed. and 3) why are you staring at me anyway? that's creepy. stop it.

SO, i believe it's time for a new blank cherry expression. unfortunately, it's not going to be easy. because, by definition, a blank expression occurs when one's mind is, well, blank. meaning that consciously creating a blank expression would be a contradiction. also, what kind of blank expression would i have anyway? i suppose you could say, "well, try not to look so mad." but i'm NOT mad! and unless i'm staring at a mirror, i can't see that i look mad. so why would i stop trying to look mad when i don't think i look mad? and wouldn't you be even more creeped out if i was just standing there with a huge grin on my face and my eyes all wide and glassy. i'd be more afraid of the person with that blank expression than my current mad blank expression because who knows what kind of sick, twisted clown thoughts are going on in their heads?

okay, so now i'm stuck. what do i do? ignore everyone else and continue living with my current blank expression? wear a sign that says, "no i'm not mad. this is just what i look like." (oh god, how depressing.) OR come up with a completely fake expression that would be difficult to maintain. i could see it now - my eyes would dry out from not blinking and my lips would start to twitch and my face would start to hurt from the strain of keeping up a blank expression.

oh fuck it all, i'll just wear a bag over my head. with a blank expression drawn on that.