stupid cherry incident #489017235: i am too uneducated to open my front door and fall over my own backyard fence for no reason, scratching up my arm in the process.
so i had gone to the hospital to visit my grandfather with my mother. now, my mother's car has one of those new thingies where there are buttons in the car that you can program to open your garage. very useful and convenient, except if you want to take a garage door opener with you. after being at the hospital for several hours, my cousins came along a while later. they stayed for a little bit and then offered to give me a ride home. i accepted and they dropped me off at my house. my mother assured me that the front door was not locked from the inside (so that a key from the outside couldn't open it), and i had my keys with me so i thought i would be able to get inside. but i couldn't. i stood outside my front door for like a full five minutes just struggling to get the freaking door open. i did hear the deadbolt unlock, but after that i just couldn't get the door open. my cousins were waiting to make sure i got into the house, staring at me from their car probably thinking that i was an idiot for not being able to get into my own house. but i waved them off and said i was okay (even though i really wasn't) and they left.
so then i started to panic (slightly). at this point, it was around 415 pm and i decided to wait for my father to come home since he usually comes home around 430 and i figured i could wait another fifteen minutes. so i go get the mail and sit down on my front door step. two minutes later, i decide i can't wait any longer and give the front door another try. it still won't work. so now i start getting desperate. i go around to the other side of the house and try to open the backyard door. but it's locked. of course. my father somehow thinks this will make it harder for our dogs to escape. i don't know what kind of thinking this is because my dogs are like eight inches tall or something and the lock is like over five feet high. my dogs are not that talented. i jiggled the lock in vain, however, and decided that the only course of action left for me was to hop my own fence.
so i get up onto the outer ledge (just on level with my neighbor's front yard), and peer over the fence. i see my dogs staring back up at me curiously. they've finally stopped barking and realized that i was not an intruder. but now i am scared. i must've stood on that ledge for like five minutes, just trying to work up the courage to go over (and also try to figure out how i was going to do this without getting any splinters or ruining my clothes) . finally, i just go for it, lift my leg over and get myself to sit on top of the fence. at this point, i'm staring down at the ground, now trying to figure out how i'm going to get down from the fence. i see another ledge on the side and decide to slowly lower myself down onto it. so i start to lower myself but halfway down, i suddenly realize with a panic that i am too short and my legs will not reach the ledge. so now i'm just dangling and floundering around like a madwoman going, "shitshitshitshitshit!!" and this is when i fall. the mail flies everywhere. my purse spills over. and the best part is that i'm in the middle of a large pile of ants. my dogs are still staring at me. i know that they have just lost all respect for me.
but i'm over. finally. i pick up all my things, brush all the ants off, and get into the house through the side garage door. thank goodness my mother hadn't turned on the alarm otherwise the entire house would've been screaming. once i get into the house, i quickly check my clothes to make sure they're okay. and they are. :) c'mon, these are my favorite pair of jeans!!
it was a good thing i didn't wait for my father though because he actually came home around 450. i would've been waiting outside for over half an hour. but you know what the best part of this whole story is? the front door actually wasn't locked from the inside. i
could've opened it. i just didn't know how to. i told my father what happened and he said, "no no, you can open it!!" and we spent fifteen minutes going over how to unlock the front door. apparently, you have to turn the key twice. what the fuck.
debra, if you are reading this right now, i can see you shaking your head in dismay and thinking to yourself, "ohmygod cherry..." but I DIDN'T KNOW!! for over twelve years now, my parents have always made me go through the garage door. instead of teaching me how to open the front door, they gave me a huge honking garage door opener that i had to cart around with me everywhere. i guess they thought i was only smart enough to push a button and not turn a key. okay, fine, they may have been justified in that thinking, but still!! this is all their fault!! they screwed me up!! they never taught me how to open the front door!!
and now, all of a sudden, they've just randomly decided, on a whim, that they will no longer go through the garage door; now, they will use the front door. after TWELVE YEARS, they decide this. for no reason whatsoever. after our little front door lock tutorial, i told my father about hopping the fence and scratching my arm and he just looked at me and laughed. but this is truly all my parents' fault. they raised me up wrong. i don't understand why we couldn't use the front door like normal families. if we had just used the front door more often in THE VERY BEGINNING, none of this would have happened. my parents just had to make life even weirder by never using the front door. when i have children, i vow to never make them go through the garage door; i shall bestow the knowledge of the front door onto them.
