well, here goes my last post from home (fremont) till, thanksgiving or, most likely, christmas break. almost everything is packed and loaded in the car except, of course, my computer, one duffel bag of clothes, and a few purses and shoulder bags. my dad and i are leaving early tomorrow morning (i'm supposed to be up at 6. lord help me). i dunno if we're just gonna drive to LA, then stop for the night, or if we're actually gonna drive all the way down to san diego and stay there for the night. either way, we're spending the night since move-in time for the matthews apartments starts at 10 am on sunday. oyy...last year, move-in was tough. even though atlantis hall was the closest res hall to the parking lot, my suite was FOUR stories up and there was NO ELEVATOR and it was a HOT DAY. yuck. i thought this year wouldn't be too bad since we're only on the second floor which means only one flight of stairs. unfortunately, our building is not very close to the parking lot. at least that's what i've heard. *sigh*

i'm starting to get antsy now. i'm already predicting about 3-5 hours of sleep in my own bed tonight. i always seem to sleep less the night before i'm moving, whether it's moving to or back. oh well. i've got 8-10 hours on the road; 450+ miles. pleeeenty of time to get some shut-eye.

oh shoot. i just forgot. i don't know where the matthews apartments are. i mean, i've been there before, but like only once or twice and even then, only briefly, and if you know me, you know i'm TERRIBLE with directions so i wasn't paying attention when i went there so...shit shit shit. i left the campus map in one of the bags that's already in the car. crap crap crap. wait, i can get a campus map online! OH FUCK. i disconnected the printer. geeeez.... hmmm... maybe i can draw it. haha, right. aw man...

anyway, i'll figure something out. i mean, c'mon, i go to ucsd!! *smart wink* can't wait to see my old suitemates again! but kind of dreading it too since i look like SHIT. i think i'm starting to feel the same way people in their late twenties/early thirties feel the night before their high school reunion. you know how it's like, you can't wait to see your old friends again, but you really really REALLY wish you looked better or at least had a boyfriend? well...i always wish i at least had a boyfriend, so that's nothing new, but i sure do look like shit. it's weird though since i haven't seen any of them all summer because almost all of them live in socal. it's really weird though since, in high school, i was always used to seeing my friends over the summer. like, we had nothing better to do. we just kept hanging out with each other till we got sick of it. then after that, we hung out with each other some more.

okay, so somewhere in that last paragraph, i was supposed to stop talking. but i didn't. so i will now. goodbye, fremont!! hello, san diego!!

people are so nice. i can't believe it. this is going to sound really bad, but truthfully, when i first heard of the attacks on tuesday and how people all over the world were reacting by sending out the condolences and sympathies, i couldn't help but feel as if they were just patronizing us, that they were being insincere. now i know i was just being stupid and angry and bitter and cynical. just because some people were celebrating our misery did not mean the rest of the world shared their opinion. i admit i was wrong. very very wrong. watching the news helped because they continued to show people all over the world truly mourning and truly sincere in their sympathy. it was amazing watching the changing of the guards at buckingham palace occuring to the american national anthem playing in the background. and that page of pictures of people all over the world grieving and offering flowers and candles and prayers and hope. absolutely incredible.

i've also been reading michele's blog. i don't know her, but i stumbled on her blog and her stories are just heartwrenching.

CHRISTINA!! i remember now!! the friend i was trying to tell a story to but kept bursting out laughing with because i kept saying "so okay..." and "okay, so..." is christina!! christina chen!! i have no clue what we were talking about or what story i was trying to tell but i remembered. ahhh...i love remembering stuff like that.

okay...wait wait wait. before i start off my inevitably boring blog, i have to say that i've been noticing something in my blogs lately. i already told this to jo (but not like she'll read this any time soon since she thought this link in my aim info was "some weird link") but i've noticed that i always tend to start talking by using the word/phrase "okay, so..." or "so okay..." or just "okay..." thought i'd point it out, just cuz, i dunno...well, actually, i totally forget who it was with, but i seem to remember trying to tell a story to one of my friends or a group of friends and we just kept bursting out laughing cuz i kept saying "okay, so..." and "so, okay..."

ohmygod, aaaanyway...i can't believe i prattled on about my speech patterns for a whole paragraph. and i apologize for this boring blog but i'm BORED. again. well actually, that's not true. i'm actually rather antsy and anxious, which probably explains that first paragraph, and i just felt the need to blog nonsensically (is that even a word?). i PROMISE that once i get down to san diego and i am no longer stuck at home alone with my psycho raving lunatic mind, my blogs will be more interesting because i'll actually be DOING something. even if it is just going to class.

okay, so...wait. what was i gonna blog about again? oh yeah! my packing status. i know, i know, that's all i've been talking about lately - packing, but you know what? that's all i've been DOING lately - packing!! i have too many shoes. ten pairs are packed away into four large bags. my flip flops is the only pair that isn't since i'm gonna be wearing those. actually, ten doesn't sound like that much, does it? you know what's funny though? of those ten pairs, only one of them is a pair of running shoes. and i've had those running shoes since my sophomore year of high school. i am now entering my sophomore year of COLLEGE. that just goes to show you how much i run. i finished packing up all my skirts and dresses. packed a few cosmetics and toiletries. i need more bags, dude. i have like nothing to put anything in. i remember my last night in san diego in june...it was like 1 am in the morning; i was getting desperate since my dad was coming in like 8 hours so i just started throwing things into bags. it was a mess. chaos!! good thing my roommate moved out before me. my stuff was just strewn EVERYWHERE. i eventually finished packing all my stuff around 4 am. the reason i stayed up that late was cuz i didn't start packing till like 10 or 11 pm since some friends and i went out to eat on our last night.

why am i talking about this? and why am i talking so much?? stop talking!! stop talking, i say!! *slaps herself* oh maaan...i am the biggest dork. no wonder i don't have a boyfriend.

so okay, had a little discussion with stan about my last blog - about some of the palestinians' belief that the attacks on tuesday were justified; about whether america got what it deserved. all i can say is, i'm tired of talking about it. that might sound like a cop-out, but it's not. just because i don't want to talk about it doesn't mean that i don't still think about it. specifically, i'm done talking about it on my blogger. i appreciate and recognize people's different views; this is america, after all. home of free speech. i don't have to agree with what you say, but feel free to say it. shout it, for all i care. however, i STILL have a major problem when views are expressed in inappropriate forums, such as the "I'm Okay" Message Center. that message center was created specifically so family members and friends could find out whether or not their loved ones survived the attacks; NOT for someone to voice their opinion in such a callous way. i also apologize for my bad language in my last blog. i think i'm more prone to using bad words when i write than when i talk. i don't know why...weird.

AAAAANYWAY....like i said, i'm done talking about what america does and does not deserve in my blogs. already donated some money to red cross. don't really know what else i can do. it sucks to feel helpless. :-/

well, must continue packing. it's mostly just random stuff i'm packing now. i made a list, but i don't think i'm following it very well. i feel like i'm missing a whole crapload of stuff. i can already see myself down in san diego, sitting in my apartment, and banging my head against a wall, saying, "fuck fuck fuckety fuck...i can't believe i forgot [insert name of item(s) i will inevitably forget]!!!!" ahhh...the joys of packing. you know, i said that i have to continue packing, but the truth is, after i post this blog, i'm just gonna continue to sit here in front of the computer happily chatting away and wasting my time. :)

okay, i am trying not to blog about the tuesday attacks because i'm trying not to think about them too much, but i can't help it. i'm sick and tired of reading things like "America got what it deserves!" especially in inappropriate forums such as the "I'm Okay" Message Center (http://okay.prodigy.net). some sick bastard decided to leave his name (Aaamerika got what it deserves!) in the survivor lists for New York and Washington, D.C. he/she's not the only one who has voiced this same sentiment. everyone's seen the celebrating palestinians. it just makes me sick to my stomach to know that there are people out there like this. how can they look at images of crying friends and family members holding up pictures of their missing loved ones and say that we deserved this? to anyone who thinks that america got what it deserved tuesday morning: a big FUCK YOU.

fortunately, for every person in this world who thinks america got what it deserves, there are at least fifty people in this world who have kind hearts and have offered a helping hand. it's corny and cliche-y and it's been repeated like a bazillion times already, but it's true: love and kindness far outweigh evil and hatred. the stories in this article prove it - kindness, bravery amid the horror. reading this calmed me down and reminded me that good people DO exist in this world. and there are more good people than bad. read it. it's good.


"I fear all we have done is to awaken a sleeping giant, and fill him with a terrible resolve."
- Japanese Admiral Yamamoto Isoroku (1941), commenting on the aftermath of the attack on Pearl Harbor the sneak attack which decimated the US Pacific Fleet (and unified the American people)

two more days....two more days....two more days. moving back to san diego in two more days....

yay!! just added new stuff to the sidebar with a minimum of stupid, senseless posts. mostly cuz i figured out that i didn't have to blog every single time i wanted to update my blogger and see how it changed; i just had to repost the same post. duurrrrr....i feel stoooopid now. people are probably pointing and laughing at me right now. *paranoid look*

hmm...okay. i feel like i haven't blogged in a while, even though i just blogged yesterday. it seems like what happened yesterday was a lifetime ago even though i've been glued to the telly from the moment i woke up. you know, i realized earlier today while i was watching the news that dan rather and peter jennings both hadn't changed their clothes. which meant that they'd been sitting in that chair repeating themselves for over twenty-four hours. well okay, so they weren't literally repeating themselves, but i'm sure it got awfully tedious for them. but then again, there were rescue workers out there who also had been working for over twenty-four hours and, clearly, their job is worse. like everyone else, i really wish i could help and, like everyone else, the only thing i can think of is to donate blood. but i can't even do that because: 1) you must be at least 110 pounds and i'm fifteen to twenty pounds underweight (no, i am not anorexic or bulimic, i just have genes that give me chicken legs) and 2) you cannot have had a tattoo or piercing in the last twelve months. :-/

okay okay, i don't really want to talk about this any more. i wasn't supposed to talk about it at all in this blog, but...well...too late. so what have i been doing lately besides watching dan rather and peter jennings? packing. sporadic and random packing. where the fuck did i get so much fucking clothes?!? last year, i managed to stuff ALL my clothes into a large suitcase and two duffel bags, even though, obviously, i continued to shop and acquire more clothes over the year. THIS year, i actually had to sit on my suitcase to get it to close, and i have to stuff my clothes into two extra large bags. it was then that i realized that the amount of clothes that a girl has are like kids: you turn your back for two seconds and they both double in size.

oy...i don't know if everything's gonna fit into my dad's avalon. my parents have slowly been putting stuff into our guest room downstairs for me to take down to san diego like a rice cooker, cases of soda, pots & pans, utensils, etc. and for some reason, it just looks like it will not all fit into the car ALONG with the stuff i've been packing upstairs. i dunno, man...it's gonna be a bit of a squeeze. you know the part of packing that makes me the most frantic? trying to remember to pack all the random stuff...like school supplies, books, cds, photo albums, etc.

oh, about the blog that disappeared on sunday...i don't really feel like rewriting it. whatever. it's just a blog. hmm..la de da...dunno what else to say. i think i'm gonna try to add some stuff into that sidebar on the right. knowing me, i'll probably screw it up and get all pissy and wind up with like twenty seven weird and useless posts.

one last test.

testing again...

testing something...

i've been going through msn.com reading all the stories, viewing all the pictures, and i just found a picture of that one scene i described earlier. a panicked and desperate man jumped from one of the twin towers while it was burning. this is a scary picture, but if you want to view it, go to: http://www.msnbc.com/modules/wtc_mmfront/default.asp. then click on small or large pictures (i usually click on large pictures). a new window will open that will show short videos, slide shows, and pictures. click on number 5 at the very top. there are also some really unbelievable pictures there. and i don't mean unbelievable in a good way.

jesus christ. i feel like a complete and total ass. yes i've had my "my life sucks" moments. actually, i've been having those moments more and more recently. but what happened today just puts everything into the correct perspective. i was frightened just watching the news, but god...can you imagine how much more frightened those people trapped in the world trade center buildings and the pentagon and the hijacked airplanes must've been?

so mom woke me up around 140 pm today and told me that the pentagon and the new york stock exchange had been hit by terrorists. (yeah, she was a little confused. as everyone knows, it was actually the world trade centers.) i was incredibly groggy and didn't understand what the heck she was saying. she repeated herself several times and then i finally understood that the pentagon had been hit and the only thing i was thinking was, "the pentagon?!? holy fuck." the pentagon is like the fucking nerve center of american military. to hit the pentagon is just...i don't know. it's incredibly frightening to think that terrorists were actually able to hit the pentagon. because if they were able to hit the pentagon, who knows what else they're capable of.

anyway, mom went on to tell me that my oldest cousin was on a flight from pennsylvania to san francisco this morning and that the plane had landed in utah and she was stranded there. i still hadn't heard that what the world trade center buildings and the pentagon had been hit with were actual airplanes that were hijacked. so i was just like "okay...that's nice." when i started watching the news, and i finally heard everything that had happened, not only was i getting more frightened, but i was just relieved and grateful that she was okay. better to be stranded in utah than in new york at the moment.

god...watching the replays of the second plane colliding with one of the twin towers and the towers eventually collapsing is just horrifying. to think of how many people were in those buildings and planes...my god...and it's scary how many people are starting to refer to this day as this generation's pearl harbor. because we all know what happened after pearl harbor. everything's closing...schools, malls, bridges, office buildings, government buildings, airports, train stations, us borders, even disneyland. watching this on the news is like watching a bad movie...one of the scariest sights was watching the hundreds of people running and screaming on the streets of new york. i just kept thinking, ohmygod...this is real. this isn't a movie. this is actually happening.

just read jo's blog. she described seeing this one scene that she would remember forever. i hadn't seen the particular one that she wrote about. but that made me think of the one scene i saw on the news that would be burned into my memory. i was watching dan rather summarize everything that had happened on cbs for the evening news. he explained how the planes had hit the world trade centers and the pentagon and was going through the timeline. at one point, he said "reason gave way to desperation" and they showed a video of a man falling from one the top stories of one of the burning twin towers. i couldn't even think. i don't even know what to say. just...mygod...he must have been so scared. i know that's a really stupid thing to say...but i can't even imagine how scared he must have been...how desperate and panicked he was.

well...whoever did this...jesus christ, did they make a HUGE mistake.

ARRRRGH!! WHAT THE MOTHERFUCKING HELL?!?! i just wrote this like super long blog (well, all my blogs are long, you should know that by now) and i clicked post & publish and the entry just disappeared; yeah, i know it always disappears, but like, this was different. IT JUST DISAPPEARED. i don't know where it went. it went into the fucking black hole of the internet. it never appeared on my page or anything. MAAAAN!! anyway, being the total geek that i am, i quickly wrote notes on a post-it of what i wrote in my blog so i wouldn't forget. i'm totally exhausted right now so i'll just write it up AGAIN tomorrow. stupid blogger. :( i'm copying this one, just in case this one decides to follow my last entry into the abyss.